"Thank you for cleaning the room": how to argue with your husband to improve your relationship
Quarrels are something that every couple faces from time to time. And it's not something terrible, as it may seem, but a part of relationship development if you know how to draw the right conclusions.
Psychotherapist and sexologist Catherine Solano told ELLE magazine what "right conflicts" are. According to the expert, this is the name given to a quarrel whose resolution is acceptable to both parties and does not leave resentment. In such a situation, each partner can express his or her opinion without aiming to hurt the other. After a proper conflict, everyone feels relieved, not humiliated or doubtful of the other half's sincere feelings, as, for example, during a destructive quarrel. Catherine Solano shared her advice on how to resolve disputes constructively.
Generalizations should be avoided
It would be more appropriate to say, for example, "You forgot to go to the pharmacy" than "You never keep your word." That's because these specific situations are harder to deny, but easier to fix.
Listen to needs rather than focusing on blame
For example, he is unhappy that you do not prepare food for him to take to work. You shouldn't immediately call your partner loud words like "exploiter" and "retrograde". First, try to understand why it matters to your spouse. Perhaps it is a proof of your love. If so, you can respond and explain to your partner: "I understand your feelings, but I don't have time to do it in the morning." Sometimes it is enough to simply recognize someone else's need to reduce tension.
My advice would be to look for a compromise. You should not prove your case at any cost or make accusations. Remember that you are partners first, not enemies.
Don't build up anger
The accumulation of anger can lead to physical or verbal aggression. It is wrong to forbid ourselves to feel this emotion, although we must take responsibility for the actions we take under its influence. It is important to learn how to deal with anger in a different way than just holding it in. If you are prone to bouts of aggression, the best solution is to go for a walk until you feel calm. After that, you can continue a constructive dialog.
It's okay to apologize
If you see that your partner is offended or feels humiliated, it means that you have hurt them. In this case, you should not hesitate to apologize for the rudeness and hurtful words you said. It's important to let your spouse know that your relationship is more important to you than feeling right and not admitting your own mistakes.
Do not let the conflict develop
You can create the effect of surprise. It is not necessary to use aggression in response. You can turn it into a joke (but avoid offensive irony) or surprise your partner with an unexpected reaction: for example, say, "I love the way you furrow your eyebrows."
Is he or she incapacitated by any little things? Perhaps it's because of troubles at work. In this case, your partner will be grateful if you understand him without further ado and just say something like, "You seem to be in a bad mood. Can you tell me what's wrong?"
The way to end constant arguments
If you feel as if you and your partner are constantly arguing, try to balance the quarrels with pleasant words. Couples tend to talk about problems, so try to say out loud what you like, both in the little things and in the bigger things. For example: "It's so nice to kiss you when you shave," "Thank you for cleaning the room," etc.
Choose the right words
You should express what is bothering you without provoking the other person to withdraw. Psychologist Marshall Rosenberg suggests using the method of non-aggressive communication. It consists of describing the actions we observe; the emotions these actions evoke; the needs these emotions hide; and the specific actions we expect.
It might sound like this: "When I see your socks on the floor, I get annoyed because I don't want to live in a mess. Could you please put them away?" According to the psychologist, this technique allows you to think through what you want to say, instead of just throwing out your aggression. You may not be able to apply the method immediately in the heat of a conflict, but with practice, you will succeed.
Earlier, OBOZREVATEL wrote about what absolutely all couples quarrel about and how to look for compromises in order not to break up.