Sex, money, household chores. What absolutely all couples quarrel about and how to find compromises in order not to break up
Every couple has relationship crises. The reasons for quarrels sometimes come out of nowhere. However, psychologists identify three "eternal problems" that cause absolutely all couples to break pitchers: sex, money, and household chores. These are issues that couples constantly discuss, but often fail to find a common solution. And one of the main reasons is that both men and women simply don't know how to talk about it properly.
Tracey Cox, a well-known British sex and relationship expert, shared her advice on how to find compromises in order to avoid breaking up. Her instructions were published by the Daily Mail.
Quarrels over money
Fighting over finances is the strongest predictor of divorce. It causes people to lie (one third of people say they have hidden their purchases from their partner), increases stress, affects health, and destroys trust in relationships.
Couples also fight about money because they don't know how to talk about it: it's still taboo. You may complain about your sex life to your friends and make sarcastic jokes about problems in the home, but you're likely to keep quiet about money. Couples don't talk about how much money they have in their bank account either in public or in private.
In order to start solving this problem, you need to dig a little deeper than just calculating each other's salaries. First, you need to identify your spending styles. They are formed from childhood and based on your experience with money. Buying a new pair of jeans can cause anxiety and fear for a person who grew up with limited money, and cause joy and happiness for a person who had plenty of money and used it wisely.
What kind of person you are in general also plays an important role. People born to worry are always worried about money: they make sure they always have more than enough to cover any possible troubles that they think will happen. And people who take life easy, who don't expect bad things to happen, usually don't prepare for them, including financially.
Ask each other questions: Is money something we spend now, or is it something we save for hard times? How do you feel about spending money? How did money affect your family when you were growing up? How did your parents manage money?
What we spend our money on reflects what we value most: if you both want to spend money on different things, it could mean you have different dreams. If you sacrifice the long-awaited lipstick to dress your kids, then watching your partner spend half of their paycheck at the pub on alcohol is outrageous and painful.
The best way to make the conversation easier is to make it regular. Fixing a regular time to discuss money also prevents you from fighting in between. In addition to a good reason, avoid discussing the issue outside of the set time (no eye rolling or tongue ticking). Knowing that you will be discussing how you both spent and saved keeps you on track. And knowing you have the option to discuss your partner's spending later stops you from doing it 20 times a day.
Keep your personal accounts, but open a joint account (or several) for shared expenses and/or future goals. This is a good compromise between maintaining individuality and working together, and it also allows for different spending styles. If you both agree on an amount to put into a joint account, does it really matter what you do with the rest of the money?
Fighting over household chores
Women are usually the social organizers. They are the ones who remember their parents', children's or friends' birthdays, buy a gift, wrap it and write a greeting card, organize a birthday dinner and bake a cake. They also, in most cases, organize leisure activities on weekends: they figure out where to go, at what time, what to wear, and with whom. This takes time and effort, so it is very important to take this into account.
Everyone chooses what they like to do the most (or maybe what they don't like to do the most). If you don't mind doing the dishes, but he doesn't like ironing, divide these chores according to his preferences. Distribute household chores as fairly as possible. It doesn't have to be 50/50. If one person works full-time and the other part-time, you could split 70/30 and that would be perfectly fair.Some couples swap chores weekly to keep things "even." Others decide to hire a cleaner and not waste precious weekend time.
Remember that you can use "win-win offers". For example, you agree to do more housework in exchange for a weekly massage. The most important thing is compromise and communication.
Quarrels over sex
Women often feel vulnerable during sex. It can draw attention to body and self-esteem issues and make them worry about their performance. Different cultural and moral expectations influence how we feel during sex. Some people only want sexual satisfaction, while others seek an emotional connection.
The most common argument in arguments about sex is that one person wants it more than the other. Lack of desire and loss of attractiveness of the partner follow. But it is possible to solve these problems.
Know what you want. It sounds elementary, but many people don't know this. Be specific. Do you want more sex? How much more? What type of sex: anal, oral, manual? When do you want it? Where? For how long? Think carefully about all the questions and answers before you speak. But it's a must-don't be afraid to have such frank conversations, even if you think you or someone else might be hurt by some of the answers. You're hurt, tense, anxious - dialog is not fun in these circumstances, but you have to talk.
There is no right or wrong in this matter. A person who wants more sex is not "sexier" or "better". Someone who wants less sex is not "frigid" or has "problems". If the desires don't match, one of you feels rejected, the other feels pressured and hassled. This is not very pleasant for either of you. Stop blaming and start working as a team.
If you want to continue, talk about the great times you've already had in bed. Say what you liked about it. This builds your confidence and cements your sexual history. Couples who talk a lot about the good times are happier than those who don't.
If you want something to be done differently, gently suggest something new rather than criticize what your partner is already doing. "I like it when you give me oral sex. You can do it longer, sometimes I feel rushed," rather than "You never give me oral sex long enough."
Find compromises. A person with a high level of sexual desire decides what is the least amount of sex in two weeks that will satisfy them. A person with a low level of desire decides how often they would like to have sex. Then you choose the average between these two numbers.
Don't expect the problem to be solved overnight. After the first frank conversation, couples often feel so relaxed, uplifted, and relieved that it seems as if everything is already resolved. But this is only the first step - recognizing that there is a problem and that there is a way to solve it. Be patient with each other.
Earlier, OBOZREVATEL wrote about compliments that actually hide insults. It is better to avoid them. Details are in our article.