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What words you shouldn't say to someone who's having a hard time

Svetlana RoizLife
What words you shouldn't say to someone who's having a hard time

Today I was thinking about the words "it's okay". And in peacetime I used to say that these words are devaluing. When a child cries because he fell, because a toy was lost, because someone offended him, in his small experience - for his ability to withstand - it can be painful. And he or she does not know yet how to cope with this "childhood pain" by their own. She can't name it, distinguish it from bigger, more serious "pains," or understand what she can do with it. She simply has no experience.

"If we say, 'This is so unpleasant, does it hurt? I'm so sorry that this is happening, I can hug you. I'm with you." - he or she will feel supported, will gain experience in contact with emotions and regulation of emotions, and will learn empathy.

And this is important, even in times of war. Especially during the war.

(I saw how a few days ago on the playground, parents scolded a boy for being scared when he fell. How they shouted at a girl who was afraid of the alarm, scolded a kid who was crying because she had lost something)

And I understand that they are just tired, just overwhelmed by the "adult scary", or just don't know how to be more correct.

If we say, "It's nothing," it will only intensify the pain, give a sense of loneliness, and eventually make the person insensitive to their feelings and the feelings of others.

When an adult talks about their pain, we never know what their "threshold of endurance" is, how much stress they can take.

And what is "no big deal" for one person can be a big deal for another. On the verge of endurance.

Now we have all encountered experiences that require us to "over-endure". And we know what "scary" is. But even now we are all different.

And please, let's be careful with the words: it's okay, you have everything left... you weren't... You only lost...

(I'm not talking about Russians now, I'm talking about us).

If a person shares with us, it means that it is important to them and they trust us. Everyone's pain is subjectively stronger. When experiencing their own, they may not feel that what they are talking about is comparable to the losses and pain of others, like what a child cries about when they lose a toy....

And there is a flip side - devaluing your pain.

Now everything is "scary" and every pain needs attention, time and respect.

And those who heard "it's not a big deal" in childhood can grow up to be those who do not feel the pain of others at all because they do not have access to their feelings.

...Today, my classmate wrote to me and reminded me of a practice I'm doing today: I breathe in the light from the sun, let it pass through me, and exhale peace and healing. Without closing my eyes, no highly spiritual states. Just inhale and exhale.

Sending you hugs.

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