"Relationships don't depend on a short skirt": a psychologist tells how to deal with jealousy. Exclusive

Jealousy often causes relationships to break down, and partners experience a painful state of internal fear of losing a loved one. We also make friends, colleagues, and even children jealous of other people, limit their freedom, and try to fill their entire space with ourselves.

Jealousy-based quarrels can ruin any relationship. Therefore, it is important to realize that the problem exists as early as possible and take steps to eliminate it. In an exclusive material for OBOZREVATEL, coach and psychologist Olga Titova explained what jealousy is, why it occurs, and how to deal with it.

- At what point does a relationship go through its biggest crisis and how do you know when to let go of your partner?

- As the classic Freud said, falling in love is comparable to a manifestation of psychosis. That is, when a person sees not a real partner, but his or her image of this ideal partner. After that, there comes a period of reality, when partners begin to see each other as they are.

At this point, it is important to accept the person with all their pros and cons, so that the relationship becomes mature. When a couple cannot accept some "new" qualities of their partner, they make a joint decision to break up.

With each new partner, we grow because we learn to accept some of their qualities or aspects of life that we are not always satisfied with. All people live in acceptance of each other's flaws.

- What is normal in a relationship and what is out of bounds: a boyfriend forbidding you to wear a short dress outside, a girlfriend forbidding you to see your friends, etc.

- These are all problems of personal boundaries. We need to constantly remind ourselves that we are not each other's property. Even a child is not the property of his or her parents. It is a separate personality and value. You need to discuss this with your partner and not close the circle on each other. You need to go to events, communicate with friends and colleagues, and broaden your horizons.

- How do you deal with such prohibitions?

- Ask your partner why they undervalue themselves by forbidding you to communicate with others. Relationships don't depend on a short skirt and plunging neckline. Maybe his father fought with his mother as a child because of this, and he is projecting his trauma into the present.

Jealousy depends on the internal state of people. When there are such prohibitions, you need to ask the person who is prohibiting what they are prohibiting.

- How do you build a conversation with a jealous partner and defend your boundaries?

- The bottom line is to bring everything into communication. In any situation, speak from the "I" system: "I don't like it", "I would like it this way". The conflict deepens the most when the partner starts talking: "you did this to me...". That is, not from their own state, but from their fantasy about their partner.

And since this often does not correspond to reality, the partner gets angry and starts to sort things out. Everyone has their own vision of the world. If you take this into account and talk about it in your relationship, everything will be fine and you can even avoid conflict. Again, all issues are resolved through communication and calmness.

- What if your partner is choleric and difficult to talk to?

- If your partner is short-tempered, you should ask them to take a deep breath and count to 10. When a person wants to maintain a relationship, they do so, and if they throw out their emotions without restraint, then the relationship is immature.

- What to do if a boyfriend/girlfriend does not allow you to be friends with the opposite sex?

- This behavior happens often and indicates that the partner primarily doubts himself or herself. A self-confident man, like a girl, usually does not show jealousy.

You need to communicate in the same way, not withdraw, talk and listen to your partner. You need to understand the reason why or why not he thinks so, and then show him with some examples that friendship does not depend on gender.

The reasons can be different: experience, resentment, or beliefs imposed by society. Ask your partner directly why they are jealous of you. Sometimes the question "why" leads to understanding.

- How do you deal with your jealousy? Are there any methods or techniques to suppress this feeling?

- First of all, you should ask yourself the following questions:

• Why am I jealous?
• What is the reason for my jealousy?
• What benefit do I get from it?
• What do I lack that makes me doubt my partner?

Try to answer them. When we go into these questions, we discover ourselves from a different perspective.

It is also very important to understand that everything that happens in reality is the result of our subconscious desires. If we think about it, we attract it. And the more you trust, the more sincere you are. When they are not trusted, they will be more likely to cheat.