Quarrel is guaranteed: what phrases should not be said to loved ones

Devaluation and manipulation in communication can and should be eliminated

Toxic communication will sooner or later lead to a quarrel. After all, there is no patience that can withstand endless devaluation, provocation and manipulation. Often we don't even notice how we behave in a toxic way. Unfortunately, this is a consequence of upbringing. For generations, people have not paid enough attention to their psychological well-being, but now we can take care of it. By the way, it's not that difficult. To begin with, you can simply stop using phrases that will lead to a scandal.

OBOZREVATEL publishes a list of such phrases. And explains what's wrong with them.

"Please don't be offended". This phrase is used just before you deliberately or not so deliberately say something offensive. It is better to reformulate the thought. For example, turn it into an I-message. "Don't be offended, but you're dressed terribly," we replace: "I don't like your skirt/blouse/scarf". This sounds direct and shifts the complaint from the person to the thing that is easy enough to replace.

"You always do things your way". A person can and does do everything only the way they know how. If you want to help, offer to teach them something new, show them how to do it better.

"You behave like a child/When you finally grow up." Children also behave in very different ways - some really do nothing but misbehave, while others are more sensible than their parents. Therefore, it is wrong and inappropriate to humiliate a person by comparing them to a child.

"No one will love you with your character/appearance/habits." But someone has loved you with your toxicity. Love is a mysterious thing, and you can never guess where and to whom it will come from.

"Can you listen to me for once?" This phrase attracts less attention the more often it is used. And it is used, as a rule, in every quarrel. A polite request is a better substitute: "Listen to me, please."

"I told you so." An attempt to assert yourself at the expense of another's self-esteem is very unoriginal. And extremely unpleasant. Just forget this phrase forever.

"Everyone has known this for a long time, there is no need to discover America/reinvent the wheel." It's great that some things are so obvious to you, but sometimes it can be very useful to talk about them further. But if you dismiss the interlocutor like that, the dialogue will definitely not work.

"But he-she has learned to do this a long time ago, why can't you do it?" The method of comparison is good when you are choosing something for yourself. It doesn't work with people. Comparison for the worse means devaluation and provoking complexes, comparison for the better means encouraging unhealthy competition. If a person is really important to you, patiently repeat certain actions or advice until they start to get it right. After that, praise them for their efforts and successful results. Let him see that he can achieve success through his work, even though it is not always easy.

"If you loved me, you wouldn't do this to me." How do you know that such behaviour is not a pure expression of love? You cannot force a person to behave the way you want them to all the time. Here it is better to return to the I-message again. "I feel unpleasant and hurt when you do this." The person who loves you will then try not to provoke negative emotions in you.

"If you don't like something, you can leave." By doing so, you are showing how little value you place on the person. And at the same time, you avoid solving the problem, so it only gets worse over time. Two in one. That's why it's also better to get rid of this phrase forever. Because one day, the person will really leave. And then he will never come back.

"You keep repeating the same thing, think of something new." Imagine for a moment that the person is trying to reach you with these repetitions, and you are not paying attention and are only annoyed by the fact of repetition. Maybe it's time to talk more about this same thing? Because it looks like the problem is really serious.

Earlier, OBOZREVATEL talked about phrases that give away a toxic interlocutor even in online communication.

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