Top tips on how to learn not to resent and resolve conflicts effectively
A person is distressed when they feel that their personality, feelings or values have been violated. This can be caused by words, actions or the inconsideration of others. Resentment can affect our self-perception, relationship and psychological state, so it is important to understand how to make peace with them and communicate with others with understanding. I talk about it at every consultation. As a rule, the resentment that clients want to overcome is usually connected to the closest people like parents, partners, children or friends.
The problem is that we often do not pay attention to people who are important to us.
So what is resentment?
Without delving into psychology, I will say that it is a reaction to unjustified expectations or injustice. Moreover, injustice is sometimes real and sometimes it is more present in the head. We expect more than people can give us and then treat them very badly. Is it worth it? Is a person guilty of we are delusional? Is it their fault that we live in our illusion? Do they know about these expectations and can they justify them if they don't?
The answer, I think, is obvious ...
We make our own "right" and "good" pictures, our models of behavior, our values and attitudes, adjusting the situation exclusively to our expectations. We forget to remember that other people have a completely different view of the situation, their duties or responsibilities. Normally, priorities may be different. We face the fact that people close to us cannot give us what we need because they do not have an understanding of our views. It will be easier for you to live if you realize that expectations are what you will have to deal with later.
Not other people but you.
It would seem that resentment is familiar to us from our childhood and the reason for its manifestation is very clear. Although a child is not born with the ability to resent but actively learns it in the process of growing up.
This skill often comes as a result of holding negative emotions back, which the child is not allowed to show or express since no one responds or pays attention. The child learns to feel and when the resentment is protected, it becomes more powerful, leading to a total catastrophe and inability to hold it back as an adult.
People start to enjoy it rather than assess, understand and make conclusions. This leads to the emergence of strong destructive emotions, such as anger, pain, fear, curiosity, anger and pity.
Sometimes, resentment also becomes a way to manipulate people close to you to get them to do the necessary action or to attract their attention. It is interesting that this habit also has its roots in childhood when the child feels that she is loved and that people react just the way it is needed. If the resentment works once and the child gets ice cream or extra time in front of the TV, then they will use this technique for manipulative purposes in the future.
Resentment is a transfer of responsibility and the possibility of doing nothing in a conflict situation. This is a way to use the feeling of guilt forcing other people to feel it instead of you. It does not affect the situation itself and does not help to solve it.
There are many reasons why resentment appears and the scenarios of its development. It is important to realize that this is a destructive feeling.
There is only one way to get rid of it: work on yourself.
The main instructions for getting rid of the habit to resent:
1. Say goodbye to envious expectations.
2. Do not moan during a conflict, talk about your feelings and emotions.
3. Do not blame a person without understanding. Think about what motivated the person to say or do this.
4. Do not guess if you don't know something. Ask directly.
5. Always take responsibility for everything that happens in your life and do not blame others.
6. Remember that there are more effective and ecological ways to pay attention to yourself.