How guilt can help you survive betrayal

Cheating is like a serious car accident. You do not yet understand what happened, but you know that you have suffered and that it will never be the same again. Boom! And your sense of security crumbles before your eyes in an instant. You feel a pounding in your temples, breathe through your lungs, and hope that it's all a bad dream.

I remember well when I found out that my husband cheated on me. It was sunny. I was looking out the window and holding a glass of water in my hands. I squeezed it so hard that the glass burst, leaving a scar on my thumb as a reminder of that moment that will stay with me forever.

Let's talk about cheating today. Is it the worst thing that can happen in a relationship? What is the main question you need to ask yourself after an affair? What prevents you from thinking soberly and making sound decisions, affecting both your state at the time and your future life?

The first thing you need to understand is that your brain saves you. It puts blocks on the nerves and thoughts that are tearing apart and turns on terrible healing mechanisms.

For example, at that moment I felt guilty. For not being affectionate enough. For not being beautiful enough. For not giving enough. Guilt covers the pits and funnels with fog.

And my reaction is quite typical. Let's analyze where an unreasonable feeling of guilt comes from for a woman who has been cheated on.

I will speak on the example of "me". I have my world. There is my husband in it. And in one second, this world begins to crumble. And it scares me to the point of trembling in my knees. And my psyche is trying to grasp every straw that will help keep my world intact.

We can't say to ourselves, "He betrayed me, hurt me, and humiliated me, but I want to be with him, have sex with him, and bear his children." At least at that moment, such common sense considerations come much later. And to keep the reality that has been pulled by the ears, I need to justify the person who hurt me. How to justify it? To tell myself that I am guilty of something. I said it, and miraculously!

It became easier. You are no longer fragments, but a cup glued together with duct tape. You are no longer occupied with resentment and pain. You have something to work on - yourself. After all, nothing can be done with either the man or the situation.

From my twenty years of practice, I can say that approximately all men and all women act according to the same algorithm during the period of realization of adultery.

Women. When she finds out about cheating, she usually begins to immediately change her appearance, bake pies and read about "10 ways to give an unforgettable blowjob" on all kinds of forums.

The man. As a rule, he believes that it's all about sex. He has problems with it: erection problems or vice versa. Every day he tries to prove himself and his partner: "Look, darling, did you miss this?"

Now, after hundreds of supervisions and work with other victims, I realize that when deciding to stay, guilt and self-digging are defense mechanisms. BUT. BOLD RED - BUT. This mechanism MUST BE TEMPORARY. As an immediate reaction, to survive the difficult month of shock. But then you need to get out of it. Sober up, like a field of heavy drinking.

It's not about you, you understand? It's not about your fault.